I'm Back for More Cash by Tony Kornheiser

Author:Tony Kornheiser [Kornheiser, Tony]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-1-58836-053-3
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2011-12-07T05:00:00+00:00

Won’t You Come Home, Bill Clinton?

Perhaps you’ve noticed that President Clinton has gone to Africa for eleven days. He is being accompanied by his first wife, Hillary.

It is the most extensive visit to Africa by any U.S. president. Apparently, the previous record was two hours, for refueling. President Reagan once thought he was in Africa, but that turned out to be a screening of The Gods Must Be Crazy.

You may be wondering why the president of the United States would choose to spend eleven days visiting such garden spots as Rwanda and Uganda, when the most beautiful place on Earth right now is here, in Washington, at cherry blossom time.

Why is he in Africa?

a. To bag a zebra on safari.

b. To bag an intern on safari.

c. To buy a phat dashiki to go with his mad-flava Indonesian batik shirt.

None of the above. The correct answer is:

d. Because it’s harder for a process server to deliver a subpoena in Botswana than at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW.

At this point, Clinton will go anywhere to get out of Washington.

He would happily climb on the next space shuttle—but John Glenn had dibs.

While in Africa, Clinton offered what was called “a broad expression of contrition” for America’s shameful role in slavery.

It was an important, heartfelt moment. But Clinton clearly sees the benefit of staying on the road. And so his next trip will take him to Bolivia, where he plans to spend twenty-one days and apologize for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. After that the president will be traveling to the Yukon Territory to apologize for whale massacres in the late 1880s. Next he’s off to the Marshall Islands to apologize for “all that bird guano.” And there’s talk that he’ll visit the Wal-Mart in Port-of-Spain to apologize that they ran out of the twenty-four-packs of Diet Coke for $4.99.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure President Clinton is ever coming back.

What’s he got to come back to? He doesn’t own a home. He lives in public housing with a dog and a cat. And the law is after him. You put that profile on anybody else, and the guys down at Max’s 24-Hour Bail Bonds would be getting very nervous.

From now on, Clinton will try to avoid Washington like Marcia Lewis avoids the grand jury. You know how presidents will fly to flood-ravaged areas and help with the cleanup to show how responsive they are? At this point Clinton will helicopter to your home if you call about the standing water in your basement.

In his zeal to get out of town, Clinton appears to have embarked on something that looks like a farewell tour. Which is exactly what you do to shore up a sagging career.

Look at what it did for the Judds.

I’m anticipating a video and a CD, including tunes like “Help Me, Rwanda,” “Ghana Get You into My Life,” and “Baby, You Can Drive Dakar.” I’ve already seen photos of Clinton dancing, holding babies, and shaking hands. If I

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